Wrath of the Secret Characters
by Luminik
Summary: Barret has a great idea that causes Vincent and Yuffie to go insane. A little twisted humour for all you peoples to enjoy! *Finished*
1. Songs and Thongs

Luminik: A little bit of deranged, twisted humour for all you peeps! Enjoy the story and please review! Oh ya, and I don't own Final Fantasy VII ^_^, Shinji does!  
  
Shinji: What!? *mob of lawyers mug him*  
  
Luminik: Hey! It was a joke! Take it easy! *helps Shinji fend off the mob*  
  
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It was a peaceful day. The sun rose over the mountains and cast it's rays on a house a little ways away from Gonaga. This was the house of our beloved heroes who had saved the world. Cloud, Tifa, Cait Sith, and Red had all gone out early that morning to do some shopping, leaving the house in the care of the remaining four.  
  
"I buh-leave in MIRCLES! Uh-HUH-uh! YOU SEXY THING, YOU SEXY THING YAAAaa!"  
  
Cid's knuckles turned white as he clenched the newspaper. His cigarette had long been bitten in half and his left eye twitched uncontrollably. He couldn't take much more of Barret's singing.  
  
Just when he thought he would explode, the singing stopped and he heard the squeak of the shower as it was turned off.  
  
"About @#$%&^# time." Cid mumbled angrily to himself and snatched up his towel and facecloth. "There better damn well be some hot water left when I get in there!" He yelled through the closed door to Barret.  
  
Forcing himself to be patient, Cid stood outside the bathroom door, waiting for Barret to get out so that he may finally be able to take his shower.  
  
"Hey Cid." Barret whispered through the door, "Where are the others?"  
  
Cid growled with frustration, "Cloud, Tifa, Cait Sith, and Red have all gone out shopping and Vincent and Yuffie are upstairs somewhere. Now get out of the damned bathroom!"  
  
"So they're not around?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Barret seemed satisfied with this and opened the bathroom door. If Cid hadn't bitten his cigarette in half earlier, it would have fallen from his gaping mouth at this moment. Barret stood in the doorway, giggling like a school girl and wearing nothing but a red thong made from material that was strangely familiar.  
  
-------  
  
A half-dressed Vincent staggered groggily down the hall, occasionally tripping over his feet as he went. He was not a morning person. Eventually he came to a stop in front of a door.  
  
"Yuffie," he called blearily while knocking on the door a few times, "Are you awake?"  
  
A muffled reply followed by something, possibly a shoe, hitting the door from the other side was enough of an answer.  
  
"I can't find my bandana," he begun again, "Do you know where it is?"  
  
-------  
  
"DAMNIT BARRET! Do you know how @#$%^%# DISGUSTING that is!" Cid exclaimed as Barret walked out of the bathroom.  
  
"Oh come on , Cid," Barret said, "Don't tell me, that you've never wanted to do this?"  
  
Cid hesitated, "Okay, so what if I have. What's it to ya?"  
  
With shifty eyes, Barret thrust another thong into Cid's hands and whispered in his ear, "I made one for you too."  
  
Cid giggled madly and ran into the bathroom to change. He soon emerged wearing the thong. This one was white with two green tassels hanging from it.  
  
-------  
  
Vincent yawned from where he sat on the edge of Yuffie's bed.  
  
"That's strange," Yuffie commented as she rummaged through her stuff, "I can't find mine either!"  
  
-------  
  
"Ya know," said Cid after they had finished dancing to some random techno song, "The material these things are made of look really familiar, but I just can't place a finger on it."  
  
Barret simply shrugged and went to start a new song.  
  
"Barret, Cid," Vincent asked as he walked into the room, "Have any of you seen my..." Vincent stopped walking and stared.  
  
"Hey Vincent, did you ask them ye...t" Yuffie stopped and stared too.  
  
Yuffie's eye twitched.  
  
Vincent's claw twitched.  
  
And Barret and Cid screamed. 


	2. Revenge

"They looked really mad." Barret said quietly to Cid. They were now back in there regular clothes and sitting on the couch.  
  
"And whose fault is that?" Cid spat, "You were the one with the bright idea to use they're bandanas as thongs!"  
  
"Ya, well, I didn't expect them to take it this hard." Barret muttered sheepishly.  
  
Cid lit up a cigarette, "I'm sure they'll get over it."  
  
The power went out.  
  
"What's happenin'?" Barret whispered, and grabbed Cid's arm. He caught a glimpse of a dark shadow moving from the corner of his eye.  
  
"Al-Alright you two," Cid laughed nervously, "You got us! We're scared now! Now why don't you come on out and we can propose a truce!"  
  
Barret fumbled frantically for the flashlight that was under the couch. He felt his fingers brush the plastic surface and grabbed it. Flipping the switch, the flashlight shone a beam of light. Barret sighed with relief and slowly cast it around the room.  
  
"WAAAHH!" he screamed in surprise and jumped a foot in the air. The light had shone on Yuffie and Vincent who were standing in the corner. Yuffie was seated atop Vincent who had transformed into the Gallian Beast. She had war paint on her face and her shuriken held calmly in one hand. Vincent growled at the light.  
  
"Turn it off you fool!" Cid hissed at Barret, "You're pissin' them off!"  
  
Barret panicked. "How do I turn it off!?"  
  
"With the damn switch!"  
  
"What switch?!"  
  
"The one you turned it on with you idiot!"  
  
Barret was near hysterics, his mind was filled with images of roaring waterfalls, explosions, volcanoes erupting, floods, tornadoes and hurricanes, bricks falling, guns shooting, American pop stars singing, and other such unpleasant things.  
  
He couldn't take it, he snapped. With a panicked scream, Barret threw the flashlight in a random direction. It hit Gallian Beast Vincent square in the nose.  
  
"RUN!" Cid screamed and he and Barret scrambled of the couch just as it exploded in a torrent of flames. Yuffie yelled a war cry and rode forward in pursuit.  
  
The next few moments would be remembered as blur.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
"RUN! RUUUUUUUNN!"  
  
*CRASH!*  
  
"I WANT TO WATCH MULAN!"  
  
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, RUUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!"  
  
"FWOOOM!*  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!"  
  
"SUCK IT UP AND RUN!"  
  
*THUNK!*  
  
"SHE THREW HER SHURIKEN AT US!!! THEY WANT BLOOD!"  
  
"THEN RUN FASTER YOU TUB OF LARD!!"  
  
-------  
  
"You can save the world, but can't even turn off a damn flashlight." Cid snarled angrily at Barret, "Not only that but you threw it at 'em too!"  
  
"I'm sorry, man. I panicked." Barret muttered and then added hopefully, "At least they didn't follow us into the forest."  
  
"I guess." Cid sighed and lit another cigarette, "And we're strong enough to handle any monster in this area. Long as we have--" Cid choked, "DAMNIT! I left my spear in there! We gotta go back for it!"  
  
"Oh, no," Barret stammered, "I ain't goin' back! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!"  
  
Cid slapped Barret across the face, "Get a hold of yourself, man! You're safe cause your weapon is attached to your damn arm!"  
  
"Oh ya."  
  
And so they set off back towards the house. 


	3. Sneaking into Enemy Grounds

"Alright Barret, we're almost there." Cid said, "Now remember, they have very advanced technology, be on your guard."  
  
Barret nodded and followed Cid to the edge of the forest. They peered out through the leaves. Vincent had transformed into Chaos and was circling the house. Cid and Barret froze with terror when Vincent turned to stare in their direction.  
  
The door to the house opened and Yuffie stepped out, "Hey Vincent!" She called to the skull-faced demon. He turned from the suspiciously moving underbrush and gave his attention to Yuffie.  
  
"I'm going to Gonaga to pick up some munchies," She yelled, "Be back in a few!"  
  
"Oh, this is too perfect!" Cid exclaimed as Yuffie began to walk away. He turned to Barret, "You do have the Time materia, right?"  
  
"Yup!" Barret said with a smile and showed him the green spell materia.  
  
"Great, well you know the plan!" Cid replied. Barret nodded and cast Stop on Chaos. As soon as Vincent stopped moving, Cid and Barret ran like there was no tomorrow until they were safe under the veranda. Seconds later they heard the flapping of wings as Vincent's time resumed.  
  
"Alright, looks like he doesn't suspect anything," Cid whispered, "Let's get in the house."  
  
It was dark inside the house. Dark and dreary. Stuck in the piles of ash that were once furniture, were flags with the picture of two interlocking bandanas on it. The walls were covered with markings of some sort. Cid squinted in the poor light in an attempt to decipher them.  
  
"Why don't you use your lighter?" Barret suggested.  
  
"Good idea." Cid said and removed it from his pocket. The small flame revealed that it was writing.  
  
"Syo dra vmysac uv Ramm luhcisa ouin cuimc" Cid read as he ran a finger over the words, "Wonder what the hell it means." He moved the lighter downwards and saw that right beneath the words was a rather gruesome drawing of him and Barret's skin being burned off.  
  
"Wait a minute Cid!" Barret said shakily, "Isn't that? Is that Al Bhed?!"  
  
Cid looked thoughtfully at the writing, "Well I'll be damned, it is!"  
  
"But-But that's not until Final Fantasy X!" Barret cried, his voice cracking.  
  
Cid turned a gave Barret a serious stare, "VERY advanced technology."  
  
Barret started to panic again. "Come on Cid, let's get out of here!"  
  
"Not without my spear!"  
  
"Here! Take you're stupid spear!" Barret screamed and threw Cid his spear.  
  
Cid caught the spear and stared at it for a moment before turning to stare unbelievingly at Barret. "You mean to tell me that you've had my spear this entire time?!?!"  
  
Barret looked down at his feet guiltily.  
  
"Why the hell didn't you give it to me??!!!?!?"  
  
"I dunno." Barret mumbled. Cid slapped Barret.  
  
Just then they heard the front door open and the laughing voices of Yuffie and Vincent.  
  
"Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!" Cid cursed, "Quick, get in the closet at the top of the stairs!"  
  
The two quickly scrambled up the stairs and flung themselves into the closet as Vincent and Yuffie walked into the living room.  
  
"That's strange. I could've sworn I heard voices coming from here." Yuffie said as she scratched the back of her head. Vincent shrugged as he threw down the pile of pillows and blankets he was carrying and flopped down on top of them. Yuffie soon shrugged as well and flopped down beside Vincent.  
  
-------  
  
Luminik: Poor Barret and Cid? What's to happen to them? Stay tuned for the next and final chapter to find out! 


	4. Squirrels, Stairs, and Evil Cameras

"What are they doing now Cid?" Barret asked. He and Cid were jammed into the closet and Cid was peering out through a small peep hole.  
  
"They're watchin' a movie," Cid replied, "It's The Last Unicorn."  
  
"Aw man! That's one of the best movies of all time!" Barret whined. "And I smell somethin'!" He sniffed the air. The scent of popcorn wafted to his nostrils. Barret started drooling.  
  
"Damn it, Barret! You're drooling all over me!"  
  
"Pop....popcorn!! I must get the popcorn!!"  
  
"Calm down you fool!" Cid hissed and slapped Barret.  
  
"Geez, Cid! Would ya stop doin' that?!"  
  
Cid scoffed "Well, then you stop tryin' to blow our cover! All we have to do is wait till they're asleep and then we can sneak outta here!"  
  
*6 hours later*  
  
"Oh I wish I were an Oscamier Weiner..." Barret sang softly as he gently rocked himself. You can only be tired for so long before your mind snaps and poor Barret was suffering this fate. He heard a chattering noise and looked down to see a squirrel shaking a fist at him. Barret's eyes widen with terror.  
  
He shook Cid violently to get his attention, "Cid! Cid! They've come back! The squirrels have come back to haunt me!!"  
  
Cid mumbled from where he lay on a bunch of clothes and absently flung out a hand to slap Barret. However, before his hand made contact a familiar sound drifted to his ears. "Barret shut up, would ya? I hear somethin'!"  
  
"It's the squirrels!"  
  
"No!" Cid snapped angrily, "It's sounds like..." he threw open the closet door, "like a TV with those colourful bars!"  
  
Barret stared at Cid with a confused look on his face.  
  
Cid sighed, "You know, that damn EEEEEEEEEEEE sound?"  
  
Barret looked even more perplexed, "Meaning?"  
  
"Meaning, they've fallen asleep, you idiot!"  
  
"Oooooooooooohhhhhhh!! I get it!" Barret said with glee and smiled proudly at himself for understanding.  
  
"You $%#&%$% disgust me, Barret. You know you really do."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Well then, let's get the hell outta here!"  
  
Cid quietly began to descend the stairs. Barret smiled evilly as another great idea came to him. He moved behind Cid and pushed him.  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
*Thump!*  
  
*Thump, Thump, Thump*  
  
*Thump, Thump, CRUNCH!*  
  
*Thump, Thump*  
  
*THUD!*  
  
-------  
  
"Come on, Cid. I said I was sorry."  
  
"Don't talk to me." Cid growled as he limped along.  
  
"......you're... so beautiful..."  
  
"What!?" Cid gasped and spun to glare at Barret.  
  
"It wasn't me, man!" Barret said and pointed to the sleeping Vincent, "It was him!"  
  
Cid looked to where Barret was pointing. Vincent and Yuffie where sleeping on the floor. Together.  
  
"Lucrecia...." Vincent mumbled as he stroked Yuffie's hair. Yuffie, in turn, snuggled closer to his chest and muttered back, "Oh, Cloud..."  
  
Barret and Cid exchanged glances and burst into stifled giggles.  
  
"I gotta get a picture of this!" Cid exclaimed and withdrew a camera. Barret's eyes again widened with fear, "No Cid! Don't! The flash might wake 'em up! It's too risky!"  
  
Barret grabbed Cid and tried to pull him away from the duo. Cid wrenched out of Barret's grasp and pressed the shutter.  
  
Nothing happened. Cid pressed it again, still nothing.  
  
"What the #&$%?" Cid swore and scratched his head with confusion. Barret inched behind Cid and peered at the camera over his shoulder.  
  
Just as Cid turned it around to examine it, the flash went off.  
  
"AAARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!"  
  
"MY EYES!!! IT BURNS MY $&#%@&# EYES!!!"  
  
The next minutes where pure chaos. Barret and Cid ran around screaming while holding their hands to their eyes. Lamps, picture frames, pottery, and anything else that had been spared during the first rampage, were destroyed in this one.  
  
Eventually, the two collapsed with exhaustion. Unfortunately they fell on each other in a position that can only be described as, well, sexual.  
  
-------  
  
"We're home!" Cloud called as he pushed open the door to the house. He set down the groceries he had and was curious as to why he hadn't received an answer.  
  
"It's four in the morning Cloud, I don't think anyone's awake." Tifa said and hit the light switch, "Hmph, looks like someone decided to play war."  
  
"Looks like it was fun! Wish I had been here." Cloud chuckled.  
  
Tifa rolled her eyes and began to put away the groceries. Red and Cait Sith wandered into the living room to watch some late night TV.  
  
"Hey, Cloud! Tifa!" Red yelled, "Come look at this!"  
  
Cloud and Tifa exchanged puzzled glances and walked into the living room.  
  
"How cute!" Tifa exclaimed upon seeing Yuffie all snuggled up to Vincent. Cloud smiled and motioned to Cait Sith, "Quick, put them back in their own rooms before they wake up and realize what they're doing."  
  
With at last smile, Cloud turned to walk back. However, that's when they noticed Barret and Cid. Tifa wrinkled her nose with disgust, "Now, that's just wrong."  
  
"Who would have thought." Cait Sith added.  
  
With mutters of disgust the group dispersed. Cid and Barret continued to sleep peacefully, oblivious of their surroundings. Once more, the sun rose over the mountains and cast its rays on a house a little ways away from Gonaga and a new day began.  
  
THE END  
  
Luminik: And so ends the story folks! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it! ^__^ Please review, it would be much appreciated. 


End file.
